there's a reason we act the way we do, circumstances are triggers to our actions, they may seem completely unrelated, but the link is there, waiting to be found.
so i figured it out on my binge marathon of how to get away with murder, i have an addiction...not to alcohol, like professor keating, but to people... i form unhealthy relationships, latch on to people, interest them with my wit and candor, overwhelm with my resourcefulness and then keep giving until they cant remember a life without aysha. examples abound, but to make this interesting in case this blog ever sees the light of day, i will pick three.
i will start with paulo, paulo is my husband, no that is not his real name, its a name my friend, smallie and i made up to use for coding purposes,anyway,yes paulo we met at a wedding, on a whim i decided to attend the wedding of an acquaintance, and he was there, in all his black shining glory dark and handsome with a voice as smooth as velvet, what i didn't know then, was that paulo was a four time failed the bar lawyer, who smoked weed and played video games all day, he then used whatever time left out of his extremely busy routine to hunt women who would soothe his ego, and help him feel better about himself, he saw that girl in me, the one who would simper and roll over at the drop of a hat, but then that was me, blending into just about anyone i needed be to make my camouflage air tight, i eased into his life slowly, and when i was sure i had established a footing i went for the kill, i am not sure paulo knew what hit him, it was weeks of communication back to back sleep overs, phone calls,text messages,bbm chats, 24/7 surveillance i didn't let him out of my sight, there wasn't really much time for anything or anyone else, i was drunk in the euphoria, and like a typical addict i kept going for the next high we were together so much that he decided we might as well make it legal, overwhelmed him so much, he decided to pop the question, poor bugger.
example 2 pieces, pieces i met very recently,middle aged high flying exec with an important government job,married for a decade and i am sure the dude never looked twice in the direction of another woman, we couldn't be more different in our stages in life, yet so alike in thought process, anyway pieces i met at AP, he came to purchase some books, i immediately felt a connection to him, and so when he asked for my number on some pretext i gave it to him amused thinking what the heck i need this distraction, pieces now proceeds to straight out woo me, calls 4 or 5 times a day, buys me food, etc etc... basically pieces is doing me to me!
and so here i am recovering addict with someone offering to give another high, i took the bait and the whirlwind ensued, i basked in the glory of the attention, i glowed, my steps became lighter and my smile wider, i was happy again after a long time,
example 3
a girl named apple, long story short a matchmaking attempt gone horribly wrong and that pretty much ended our blossoming friendship, but even with her the characteristic relationship patterns remained quite evident, spoke everyday, did almost everything together,
in all three cases, the departure of these individuals or their emotional unavailability crumbled me, i was reduced to a blobbering mess, looking at my phone, willing it for it to ring, desperately hoping for things to go back to the way they were,or resolving never to communicate, but running back whenever i have had a trigger, only to be rejected again which actually makes it worse, but when nate gave professor keating that ela,yes, shes a cold hard woman who has commited a number of atrocities, but i saw beyond the rock exterior, shes a d
amaged vulnerable woman who just wants the man she loves to love her back, i digress, back to the ela, the ela was the trigger to each back for her coping mechanism, alcohol....
and then my eureka moment came up,my triggers come up everyday, currently im trying to get over pieces,and i see myself reaching for my phone several times a day to get my high
and only this identification, if only i had come to this sooner would have saved me many years of bad choices, and damaging relationships.
but i know this know, this book helped though, i learnt infant time, think i will read it through and firmly apply
i need therapy, i know but it will be a cold day in hell before i sit across someone trying to get into my brain, theres just too much there that shouldnt see the light of day.
but yes,thank you professor keating for this life lesson, i will try to be less needy, and more gutsy
